Too Soon
by AndAllThatMishigas
Summary: Jed and Abbey, along with their daughters, Liz and Ellie, are excited for news. It isn't what any of them expected. Bartlet History 20.
Author's Note: I'm really sorry and you can't hate me as much as I hate myself.

 **Too Soon**

"Are you sure we should tell her now? Before we know?"

Abbey exhaled slowly, trying to keep from getting frustrated with her husband. "Yes. We tell her now so she can help Ellie understand what's going on. And then they can be all prepared by the time we get back later, and we can all be excited together, as a family." She shifted where she stood, grimacing slightly as she adjusted her spine.

"Everything okay?" he asked, concern evident in his eyes.

"Just some back pain. It happens," she assured him with a small smile.

Jed crossed the kitchen to her, beginning to rub her lower back without being asked. "Better?"

She turned her head over her shoulder to kiss his cheek. "I'm fine, babe. Thanks. Let's go talk to Liz." Abbey led the way upstairs. Even though she put on a brave face for him, her back was hurting like hell. She hadn't remembered feeling like this before, but every time was different. It was probably nothing out of the ordinary.

Jed knocked on Elizabeth's bedroom door. "Lizzie, can we talk to you for a second?"

From inside, the nine-year-old shouted, "I didn't do anything, I swear!"

Abbey rolled her eyes and opened the door. "I don't love hearing that without any prompting, but we can talk about that later."

Liz gave a sheepish grin, showing her missing front teeth. She had been playing in her room, her favorite cat, Ladybug, napping on the windowseat. Jed came to sit on the floor with his eldest daughter. Abbey sat on the edge of the bed.

Jed med Abbey's eyes and with a small nod of encouragement from her, he began, "Lizzie, do you remember when we told you that you were going to have a little sister?"

Elizabeth whipped her brunette head around, her brown eyes widely staring at her mother. "You're pregnant!?"

Abbey snorted a laugh. "Well that was easier than expected," she muttered. "Yes, baby doll, I'm pregnant. We've got another little Bartlet on the way."

Liz furrowed her brow, thinking about what that would mean. "Is it a brother or a sister?"

"We don't know yet," Jed replied. "But Mrs. Wilberforce is coming over soon to stay with you and Ellie while your mom and I go to the doctor in a little while, and they've got this new machine that will tell us today if it's a boy or a girl."

Liz crawled over to sit between her mother's feet. She put her small hands on Abbey's stomach. "I don't feel anything. Ellie kicked a lot before she was born."

"It's not time yet for this baby to start kicking," Abbey explained.

Undeterred, Liz kept her hands where they were. She leaned in and spoke softly, "I hope you're a little brother. I already have a little sister. But it's okay if you're a sister. You can play with me outside when Ellie wants to stay in her room."

Abbey stoked Liz's hair and smiled over her head to Jed. He was beaming.

Liz looked up. "When is the baby coming home?" she asked.

"Should be sometime in April," Abbey told her.

"I get a baby for my birthday?" Liz was positively delighted at the idea.

"We'll see." Abbey pressed a kiss to her forehead, trying to ignore the throbbing, almost stabbing pain in her lower back as she bent over. "Can you do us a favor though, Lizzie? Can you help Ellie understand what this means? You were a little older than her when she came along, but you've had a baby in the house before. So do you think you can help answer her questions?"

Liz nodded. "Yeah, I can do that."

From downstairs, the front door opened with a loud creak and the voice of Mrs. Wilberforce sounded through the house.

Jed checked his watch. "We should get going, Abb."

She nodded and hauled herself to a standing position. "Alright, Lizzie, we're going to the doctor now. And when we come back, we'll let you know if you're getting a brother or sister."

"Should I go tell Ellie now?"

"Go say hello to Mrs. Wilberforce first, then go tell your sister," Jed instructed, reminding his child of her manners.

Liz nodded and raced down the stairs to be polite to the housekeeper so she could go talk to Ellie as soon as possible.

As they drove into town, Jed felt butterflies in his stomach. He was so excited to find out whether he was getting a son or daughter. The sonogram technology hadn't been widely used until very recently; it wasn't available when Abbey was pregnant with Ellie. They were going to get to see an actual picture of their baby before he or she was born. He couldn't wait. "You have any girl names in mind? In case we're having another?" he asked as they waited at a stoplight.

Abbey laughed. "We never do seem to be ready with the girl names. The boy, first thing that came to our heads. But these girls are so much harder!"

"I'm all out of female family members that I want to honor. You got any?"

She shrugged. "I'm not sure. My mother, Louise, maybe. But why don't we wait until we know what we're having before we get too ahead of ourselves."

They arrived at the hospital fifteen minutes early for their appointment. As Jed parked the car, he told Abbey, "Why don't you go inside, and I'll meet you in the lobby in a few minutes."

She frowned. "Why?"

"I'm too keyed up. I need a smoke."

"Don't light up until I'm far away," she instructed.

Jed held his hands up in defense. "I know! No smoke near the baby. I haven't smoked within a hundred feet of the house since we found out you were pregnant!"

"Just don't keep me waiting too long." With that, Abbey went inside the hospital to wait while Jed lit his cigarette in the parking lot.

Eventually, Abbey went up to her doctor's office and wait for Jed there.

"Will your husband be joining us, Mrs. Bartlet?" Dr. Hardy asked politely.

"I assume he will eventually," she replied. "He's outside, smoking. He's nervous to see our baby." Knowing Jed, he'd finished one cigarette and had immediately lit up another without thinking about it, too distracted with thoughts of their unborn child.

"It's good he's outside. You know, recent studies have shown that cigarette smoke can be harmful to expectant mothers, even if the mother isn't the one smoking."

"Yes, I know," Abbey said with a pained smile. "He never smokes anywhere near me. I quit shortly after we got married, when I found out I was pregnant the first time."

The doctor sat awkwardly in the exam room, unsure of whether he should proceed without the husband present. "This is your third pregnancy, correct?"

Abbey nodded. "And this is the first one I've gone through while working. I was still in school last time."

Dr. Hardy glanced at her chart and saw her age. "School?"

"Yes, I had Ellie during my third year medical school exams."

"You're a doctor?" he asked in surprised.

"I'm a thoracic surgical resident at Harvard," Abbey told him, a stony, threatening tone in her voice.

"Oh," was all Dr. Hardy could say.

Thankfully, the exam room door opened at that very moment. "I'm so sorry, honey. I lost track of time," Jed apologized. He was out of breath, likely from smoking and then trying to run up the stairs.

Dr. Hardy came to shake his hand. "Mr. Bartlet, it's nice to meet you. I'm happy to say that I voted for you last year. I have two boys in junior high, and I know you'll do great things for our schools."

Jed smiled happily. "I appreciate your support. And your patience. But I don't think we want to wait anymore. Let's see our baby!"

Dr. Hardy wheeled the large machine over. He lifted Abbey's blouse up to reveal her barely-showing abdomen. He squirted some jelly onto her stomach and used the sonogram wand to find the baby in the womb.

Jed held Abbey's hand, their eyes trained on the screen. It was a blur of black and gray. They couldn't make anything out, not knowing if there was anything there to make out anyway. Abbey at least had experience reading medical scans, but obstetrics was not her specialty. She wouldn't have known a fetus from a hernia.

"Oh. Hm."

"What?" Jed asked, concerned by the doctor's tone. Abbey squeezed his hand in reassurance, knowing firsthand how not every sound a doctor made was cause for worry.

"Mrs. Bartlet…"

"Dr. Bartlet," Jed corrected. Abbey suppressed her wide grin.

Dr. Hardy started again. "Dr. Bartlet, have you been experiencing any bleeding?"

Abbey's heart started to beat a little faster. "A little spotting about a week ago. Nothing out of the ordinary. The same thing happened with my other pregnancies."

"Any pain?"

"My back's been hurting for the last few days, but that's just pregnancy. I have a baby pressing on every muscle in my midsection." Despite her casual tone, a vice grip was tightening on Abbey's insides. "Is anything wrong?" she asked, trying not to expect the worst.

"I can't find a heartbeat."

Jed thought he was going to be sick.

Abbey went numb.

"What…what happened?" Jed asked. His voice was shaking. He clutched Abbey's hand like a lifeline. Had they done something to put their baby in danger? Had he made some mistake? Was there a window open anywhere when he was smoking outside?

"It's rare for a miscarriage to happen after twelve weeks," Dr. Hardy explained, "but it isn't unheard of. Miscarriage is more common after women pass thirty, and can be more likely after previous pregnancies. It's difficult to pinpoint an exact cause in cases like this."

Abbey just stared off, her eyes unfocused. She could hear what the doctor was saying, but he sounded far away.

"Dr. Bartlet, because the baby was this far along, I'll need to perform a procedure to remove the fetus."

Jed couldn't listen to any more of this. But he wasn't going to leave Abbey. Not now, not ever. Especially not now.

Dr. Hardy explained the exact procedure he would perform. Jed tried to block out as much of it as he could. "And once we remove her, there won't be any lasting damage," he finished.

"Her?"

"Pardon?"

Jed clarified, "You said 'once we remove _her_.'"

"Yes, I'm sorry. It was a girl."

The doctor's words snapped Abbey back to attention. "When should we schedule the procedure?" she asked. Her voice was even, devoid of any emotion whatsoever.

"We can do it on Monday."

She nodded. An entire weekend of living with her dead daughter inside her.

The Bartlets were quiet on the way home. Jed didn't know what he could say to help Abbey. He couldn't imagine what she was going through.

Abbey stared out the car window as Jed drove. Her mind was racing with all the things she had to deal with now. She had all kinds of thoughts, so many thoughts. But not one identifiable feeling. Perhaps a little lingering anxiety from the moments she's spend waiting for Dr. Hardy to tell her what was wrong. But since then, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Jed parked the car in front of the house like always. He turned to face her. "Abbey, I don't know what to say."

"That's not like you." It may have been a light-hearted statement, there was no lightness in her tone. No sadness or anger either. Nothing.

She got out of the car and went into their home. Jed followed behind. They were bombarded by their daughters, who had been waiting eagerly for their parents' return.

"Mommy! Mommy!" Ellie shouted as she excitedly ran to Abbey. "Do I have a baby brother or a baby sister?" she asked. "Lizzie said I have a baby brother or sister!"

Abbey picked Ellie up. "I'm sorry, sweet girl. We were wrong. No baby brother or sister. We got you all excited for nothing."

Liz looked at her mother. "But you said you were pregnant. You wanted me to tell Ellie."

"And you did a great job, baby doll. But the doctor said there's no baby. Sorry to get your hopes up," Abbey told her. She kissed Ellie's cheek and put her back down on the ground. Without another word, she went upstairs.

Jed watched her with worry. "Girls, go play."

Ellie went back to her dolls on the living room floor. She was disappointed she wasn't going to get a baby brother or sister, but it was okay.

Liz watched her father follow her mother upstairs. She had never seen them look like that before. Daddy's eyes were sad. So very sad. And something wasn't right with Mommy either. There had to be something they weren't saying. Maybe they were just sad that there was no baby. She was sad that they'd told her and they were wrong. But maybe she'd get another sibling eventually. Liz went to the kitchen to see if Mrs. Wilberforce would give her a cookie.

Jed found Abbey sitting cross-legged in the middle of their bed. Her hands were cradling the lost child inside her.

"Abbey? Are you okay, honey?"

She looked up at him. "No. But I will be. I'll be fine." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I think I just want to go to bed." She wasn't ready to deal with any of this yet. She'd have to, but later. When she'd had some time to think.

"Sure." Jed sat on the edge of the bed and reached out for her hand. "Can I get you anything?"

"No. I'm just going to take a nap."

"Okay. Should I tell the girls anything else?"

Abbey shook her head. "I don't think they need a miscarriage explained to them. We can just stick with the idea that we thought I was pregnant but I wasn't. I'm just glad we didn't tell anyone else."

"You don't want to tell anyone else?"

"Not anytime soon. No one needs to know." Abbey cast her eyes downward in shame. She didn't want anyone to ever know that she'd lost a baby. She didn't want anyone to ever know that she'd failed like this. She was still a wife and a mother and a doctor. Pity from anyone during this loss would just make everything worse. Jed's sad eyes were breaking her heart as it was.

Abbey stayed in bed the rest of the day. Jed thought about calling her for dinner, but he didn't want to bother her just yet. She'd get up and get food if she wanted it. If she didn't leave the bed, it was because she didn't want to. He'd respect that. He wouldn't push her in any way.

Jed put the girls to bed by himself. With Abbey's surgical schedule the last few years, long gone were the days when she sang Liz to sleep each and every night. He'd tried to sing in her stead, but both Liz and Ellie had thanked him for his effort and kindly asked him to stop.

He stopped by his office in the old library after they had gone to bed and just sat alone for a little while. He sat in an armchair and stared at the books stuffing the shelves on the wall. For some reason, his gaze picked out his old copy of The Federalist Papers. Federalist No. 13 had been a great inspiration for Jed in studying Economics. He'd read it about a hundred times. The way Hamilton had written about the American economy was nothing short of genius. Much of what Alexander Hamilton had done had been genius. If his life hadn't been cut short, the possibilities for his potential were of unknown greatness.

Jed sighed to himself, closing his eyes. Gone too soon. That seemed to be a theme of the day.

When he eventually entered the master bedroom, he felt the full weight of loss on him. He'd had to retain normalcy for the girls, and he'd done a pretty good job so far. And he needed to be strong for Abbey. But if she was asleep, she was safe from the grief that had so fully engulfed him. He sat on the edge of the bed and felt tears prick his eyes. Silent sobs soon shook his whole body.

Abbey hadn't been asleep. She couldn't shut her brain off. She had considered faking sleep so Jed wouldn't have to worry about her. But when she felt a slight tremble on the bed and heard him take a shaky breath, she couldn't stay away.

Jed felt her arms around his shoulders, holding him from behind. He hadn't even heard her sit up. "I'm sorry to wake you," he said hoarsely, wiping his eyes as best he could."

"Shh, it's alright. I wasn't asleep." Abbey nuzzled his neck, comforting him with her soft kisses. "Why don't you take a hot shower? Let the steam relax you a little," she suggested.

He nodded. She knew he didn't want to cry in front of her, so she'd given him an escape. Jed got up and went to the bathroom, closing the door tight behind him.

As she listened to the sound of the shower, Abbey sat up in bed. She turned on her bedside lamp. How desperately she wanted sleep, but she wasn't tired at all. Maybe if she and Jed talked, she would feel something. Ideally, she would emotionally drain herself tonight so she could exhaust herself to sleep. And then, hopefully, that would be enough. And she could start to move past this. As awful as it was, all Abbey wanted was to put the entire ordeal behind her. She didn't want to grieve, but she knew she had to. She didn't want to dwell on tragedy, but she also couldn't allow it to linger unresolved.

When Jed came out of the bathroom a little while later, he found Abby sitting up in bed, staring her stomach. She didn't look up as she said, "I think we should give her a name. So we can say goodbye."

He nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. "I think that's a good idea."

"I don't want to give her my mother's name. My mother is still alive and I don't want to give her name to a baby who's already gone." She couldn't look at him as she spoke. She didn't want to see the expression on his face. She didn't want to see the immense sorrow filling those blue eyes that were usually ashine with joy and love. Abbey tried not to think about that and continued, "I think Martha, for my grandmother. As a middle name. I don't love Martha Bartlet as a full name."

"I never met your grandmother," Jed noted.

"No. She died just a few months after my grandfather when I was fifteen. They were a wonderful couple. So in love until the very end. My grandfather, Albert Parker, had this great head of perfectly coifed wavy hair. And a mustache that was immaculately trimmed. He the most dignified man in the world, but he always seemed to be laughing. He just worshiped his wife. She had this strength about her. Almost a sensual energy. Like she was a goddess on earth, too beautiful and smart and mysterious to ever be truly known to us mortals. Those are qualities I want to remember in this baby. We couldn't have her because she wasn't right for this world." Abbey realized she'd been rambling. She risked looking up. Thankfully, Jed was standing by the bed, staring at the carpet under his feet.

Her sentiment touched him deeply. He couldn't quite put it into words. "Okay. Martha," was all he could manage.

"We need a first name," Abbey prompted.

"Alexandra," Jed said immediately. "Saint Alexandra was a Roman martyr." Alexander Hamilton was still on his mind, but he didn't voice it. 'Gone too soon' was too difficult to say out loud.

"Alexandra Martha Bartlet." Abbey let the syllables trip over her tongue. Her hands found their way back to her womb. "Yes, that's her." She whispered, "Alexandra Bartlet, I'm sorry I couldn't have more time with you. I love you very much, and I always will."

It was the wetness on her cheeks that alerted Abbey to her tears more than anything else. It was the reality of the name, having someone to say goodbye to. And as soon as Jed came to sit beside her, taking her into his arms, the floodgates opened. She couldn't stop crying. She wailed into his chest, finally feeling the overwhelming pain of loss.

Jed just held her. It was all he could do. She had to cry and feel everything so she could move past it. He had already done a little of that himself, but it was different for him. He didn't have their child die in his body.

After however long it was, Abbey finally quieted down. She had quite literally cried herself to sleep in his arms. Jed settled her down under the covers, making sure she was comfortable.

"Valde te amo, nunc et in perpetuum," he whispered in Latin. I love you, now and forever. "We'll get through this, Abigail. I promise you, we will. We'll be alright."

"I know we will," Abbey whispered back before finally falling into a deep sleep that her body so desperately needed.


End file.
